If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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