remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
