Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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