barbara walters just said penis...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
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