Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize