I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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