I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
