I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
