dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
