i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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