Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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