Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
