lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
