So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
