She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
