The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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