I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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