You made me cry and you don't even care
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
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