everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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