Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
