my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
