happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
