Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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