he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
