I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
