Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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