1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
