You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
