seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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