you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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