My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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