i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
