porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
