The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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