shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize