haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
