I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
