i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize