I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
