the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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