If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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