I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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