I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
