I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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