my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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