I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
