They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
This baby is an asshole
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
