There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
