Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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