Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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