I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
