Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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