the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
