Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There r osticjed everywhere
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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