Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
