im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
