I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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