the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
