Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
