i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
