WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
